Faking It

One of the greatest lessons I learned while playing collegiate lacrosse for Holly Gutielus was that if you do not have confidence then fake it. If all of your preparation could not give you the confidence you need- fake it. No one will know.

I have taken this advice to most of my pursuits and it has always taken me the distance. I am blessed with a genuine sense of confidence and so when I fake it it is perceived as natural. In my current economic development work I am continually faking it. I am a critical thinker and can figure out most things but, common, the only ECON class I ever took was a 300-level one that I had to withdraw from.

I mean today I got online banking for the first time. I have been just sort of guessing with my check book. The lady who works next door asked, "And you are teaching high school economics once a week?" Yeah. I guess. So I sort of just use my common sense and confidence and when I do all of these tasks that make up my job. Like facilitating, teaching marketing skills, writing about why buying local is important... And it seems to work although sometimes I do get nervous.

I've been noticing recently that almost all of my friends are in this same boat where they feel like they are faking it. I do economic development in a rural area where stakes are not high. But my friends who are faking it are kids in law, medical, and phd school or have decent jobs. Just this morning I was talking to my freshman year roommate who's sister had just graduated from the mfa program at Columbia. Now she is a writer. That is her occupation. This kid (who is 29) feels like she has to fake being a writer. What. So here we all are, educated, future leaders in our great county and we are faking it. How can that be?

I think when people finally stop feeling like they are faking it, it means they have finally grown up. Maybe being an adult is feeling like you have enough skills and enough confidence in them that all of your work feels true. This sort of falls into line with the lameness of adulthood. (Lameness= being fiscally responsible, putting fun last, thinking constantly of the future...) In the teenage sense. Teenagers perceive adults as all-knowing and sure. But once out of the teen, college, and early post-college years you see that this is sort of bullshit. Adults, really, have no idea what is going on. (Ok. Maybe this is coming from me because I my family recently died. I don't know.)

Non-profit Sector or West Coast

I work at an office and receive many work related emails each day. And since I've moved out here I've noticed that there is over use of explanation points, smiley faces, and other sort of teen typing moves. I have a very difficult time taking any of these emails seriously. People just didn't use these sort of expressions when I worked at Carroll & Scribner PC.

Below is an email I received from a woman who administers a $3 million grant in five targets around the state of Oregon. Are you kidding?

Good Morning Target Area Leads-

TOMORROW (Wednesday, January 23) is the first CORE Conference call of 2008!!! It is scheduled for our regular time of 1pm- 3pm. Attached are the minutes from the last conference call in December. J Below you will find the conference call agenda and the call in information.

Please contact Katie at the RDI office if you have any questions. J Looking forward to talking to you tomorrow!

**Sorry this is not as dramatic as it was in my inbox. For every random J that is a smiley face.

Killing + Kindness

The other day I was at my favorite shop in town- Lakeview Lockers. It is a butcher shop that allows you to buy up to a full steer at a time. It also sells gourmet cheeses from around Oregon and micro brews and baked goods from a local baker. And it accepts food stamps so I love to shop there. I was there having a discussion with the co-owner Kelly about the Saturday Market I am working to revitalize here in town. Now, we were chatting in the back of the store. It was warm and very simple and clean. But, to get there we had to walk through the bloody butchering section. Now, I am perfectly comfortable with the blood and guts. After seven long years as a vegetarian, I have embraced all meat (with the exception of some of the random parts that I ate while in Peru) and the process from corral to table.

I was about 30 minutes into the Farmers' Market discussion when in walk three butchers, covered in blood and various cow/chicken/pig/lamb parts. The three butchers had found a rogue parakeet outside the shop and wanted to save it. It was amazing, here these professional killers (who kill huge bovines) were trying to save a small, light blue, useless bird from the 24 degree weather.


This incident reminded me of one day out to haul. It was my first season working on a lobster boat and I didn't know the two guys I was working with that well. Actually, I didn't know them at all and I was scared of them. And I never talked and I vomited. A lot. Anyway, one day we were in the middle of the ocean, it sort of always seemed like that, on this particular day visibility was very low and it was cold. It was a standard day for a lobster boat: lots of fresh herring and bait and killing of crabs and various sea life as it came aboard our vessel. And I noticed both the guys I was working with were sort of giggling in the cabin of the boat and work was slowing down. So, even though I was scared to talk I walked into the cabin to see what was going on.

I was like guys whats going on. Then they turned around a bit startled and said they would tell me if I didn't tell anyone. Ahh. Ok. And then they showed me this tiny, little bird nestled up next to one of the heating vents. It was lost at sea and had flown near the boat and they wanted to warm it up and release it back on the island. It was the only moment of my season with those guys that I ever saw any compassion. And even more amazing because there is so much death and destruction on lobster boats I thought for sure they would try to use it as bait.

Let It Snow

I arrived safely in Lakeview after a wonderful holiday in the Northeast. Since I've been back it has not stopped snowing. I think snow will be my salvation during this long, cold, lonely winter in the Oregon Outback. Although I have permission to ski on Wednesday mornings the ski hill is not open. It is only open on the weekends. Bummer.

There is no way for me to check the weather here. I looked at weather.com and they say there is light snow. That is not true. I do not trust those bastards. I just found npr on my radio and will now listen to that for information but it is based out of Portland and any sort of report on this part of the state I would have to question its validity. What I am saying is that all news outlets have no idea what happens here. I will only know what happens by going outside and evaluating the situation myself. I am very comfortable with this. I love seasons. I love winter.

All of this only encourages me to continue reading the NY Times and not the Oregonian. I am in a bizarre position here, no local news, and only news from the East Coast. I am not really sure what this means other then when I bring up things to discuss with Ronne Lindsay she has no idea what I am talking about for example the assassination of Bhutto or McDonalds hiring barristas.

I am excited to head home after work to shovel my driveway (again), drink some hot coco, and read the New Yorker.

New Year's Resolutions 2k8

Dear God, its me, Erin Margaret,

Every year at this time (as you know), I take a moment to write down a few tasks and goals for the new year.  This year is 2008.  Five years out of college, about three months into a commitment (my first lease), maintaining my own home...

Here goes, divided into seasons, some things on list transcend seasons, so I will place them where I feel is the most appropriate place.

WINTER

• ski 30 days while continually pushing limits
• apply to grad school
• get accepted to grad school
• learn solja boy dance, thats right god, solja
• doing dishes the day I dirty them
• bake whole wheat bread
• learn to roast a chicken

SPRING

• attend a branding
• cut balls off young male bovine + eat
• catch a 20 inch rainbow trout
• ride horse and do ranch work simultaneously
• run up Camels' Hump 
• attend my 5th year college reunion
• work on not making small piles all over my house
• ride cowboy

SUMMER

• get tan
• enter my first fly fishing tournament
• cook lots of steak perfectly
• summit Oregon peaks higher then 10,000 feet
• changing my sheets every week
• go to the last great Communist Society and see what the deal is
• go to Mantana

FALL

• begin grad school
• catch steelhead
• notice when I need to sweep the floor
• live with other people
• vote for Obama

All of these and work on accepting things: other people, their choices, my imperfections.... continuing to learn the guitar as the newest member of the Oregon Ole Time Fiddlers Association.  And, as always, be swept off my feet my an Irishman.