Checking In

I remember talking to my therapist, in a conversation about living in Vermont and being underemployed, about checking in. I had just met someone who recently bought a condo and a dog but still had a pony and was actively fighting off the banality of adulthood. It seemed bizarre that this guy only wanted to be young and free (I was 25, he was 33) yet he was actively making choices that pushed him closer (a close that was unarguable and progressively more serious) to adulthood and further from early 20s/freedom/just outside of white middle-class values. It was surprising to me then and still now how much tension this man had with his choices- making them and hating them. The therapist called this checking in and said all people do it. And the ones that don't, well, it is clear.

This summer, age 28, part way into concurrent masters degrees- Maggie McConnell and I joked about her older brother and how in just 12 months finished a PhD, got married, bought house, had baby. We referenced it often and laughed about how totally insane it was to do all of those big deal things in such a short period of time. Maggie had just finished her PhD and could not be further from the last 3 items on the above list which made it funnier. And I had a dog and was partway through a masters program and felt far, far away as well.

Now, here I am 6 weeks from these conversations with Maggie and feel as though I have checked in. That I am an adult: one that is responsible, thinks of the future, accepts the situations that are less than ideal, is kind to all, smiles when I need to, wants to go to bed and wake up early, works out 4 days a week at 6am, blowdries hair, feeds dog, thinks of others...

Jesus.

And I sit here and do not know exactly what it is- could it be that I am taking on debt and that I will have to pay back a rate higher then $151.22/month? Could it be that I am in a serious relationship with an adult? I mean he has kids, owned a home, always thinks of others... Could it be that mba-school is serious and in turn I am serious? Could it be that all I think about is value- invent, maintain, grow? Or maybe that I am finally actually going to run a .5 marathon and last week I ran 10.5 miles and my food hurt for 3 days?

I don't know. All I know is that I feel different then I have before. And in many ways have checked in. And I guess what that means to me now, on a Saturday night, in bed reviewing for a marketing midterm, is that I am boring. Or more specifically, adventure free. Seriously, its true. Nothing. I don't even take my mountain bike out in town for quick rides or fly fish- I live like 3 miles from world-class fishing.

Not only have I stopped riding the snake. I have caged the snake.

Nicaragua_Ride The Snake

¨Ride the Snake.¨ Yesterday, I met a young aussie who is about 20 years old and on a 5 month journey with his mate from LA to Rio. And what he told me was all you have to do is ride the snake, just like Jim Morrison said. He was entirely not aware of self. It was pretty incredible. On the hour ride back to San del Sur (or something) this kid told us of his adventures which included: renting a mustang to drive from LA to Vegas, surfing in Mexico, getting robbed at gunpoint in El Salvador (it was destined to happen at some point), finishing his 5 month budget in 2. Essentially, he said just live life and ride the snake. Do whatever comes along...

I do not think this young aussie was a sage or anything close to that but it did remind me of a younger self. I don´t think I ever quoted Jim Morrison but I definitely remember saying things like this. So, here I am after almost 4 years of only spending time in North America I am back on the road. Things have definitly changed. I feel calmer and more confident. I am less scared of people or trust everyone more or don´t really have anything to lose?

It is refreshing to be back in the world. I had forgotten what it was like. It also seems way to familiar. Nicaragua is unreal. I know, I know, most people say this sort of thing about where ever they go. But I am serious. It is calm and not in the cheesy Bula sort of way. From the moment I got through customs it has been chill, chill, chill. I mean there wasn´t even the cattle gaurd moment at the airport. No one begs. I don´t feel ripped off. There´s not that many people. It is beautiful.

I just spend the past week with two friends from Wesleyan Maggie and Daniel. And it was a total dream. We ziplined, chilled with Ukrainian acrobats, hiked volcanoes, rode state ferries, surfed, drank beer, smoked cigars, played cards, drank rum... It was incredibly peaceful. It felt like vacation. And this morning they left. No one here speaks english. My lack of spanish is very noticeable. Today I took two cabs and two buses and arrived in Leon a city in the north west. It is calm, colonial, and super hot. There was much confusion and laughter and the singing of hotel california on my journey. I am headed to the beach again in a couple days.

And one of my favorite parts was when our ferry was pulling into the harbor a guy jumped off into the water to tie and guide the ferry boat into its spot. Unreal. Lobster men don´t do that. The only time I remember doing or seeing something like that was in 2000 and 2001 on the French Broad River during the Huck Finn adventures. Absolutly incredible.

Ok. Off to ride the snake a bit more.

Hobbies and Interests

I don't know about the rest of you but I am sort of tired of people asking me what I like to do. I just received this profile sheet to match me up with some sort of "buddy" for my grad program. And after the first page of standard items like name and academic interests there is a second page. On that page there are two questions with a lot of space for each: Relevant Work Experience (with an option to attach a resume) and Hobbies and Interests (please list memberships, skills, things you enjoy, etc.)

For the Relevant Work Experience I am going to attach my resume. That is easy enough. Although I do not really like my resume. And for the Hobbies and Interests I don't know. As most of you know the only thing I really have in life is hobbies. So many of them. Should I list them? Its sort of overwhelming even for me if I put them on paper. And if I listed them all I think anyone would think it was bs. And what order should I put them in? Or maybe I should list my top 5 favorite things to do:

1. Obvious
2. Therapy
3. Skinny Dipping
4. Fishing
5. Skiing

***This list was put compiled during my solo 3,600 mile trek across america last September.

My friend, Bernadette, has an older brother that went to Tufts in the 80's. Before heading down for Freshman year he (like most of us small, northeastern, liberal art school attendees) had to send in a photo and list two interests and maybe a potential major. Now for some reason Bern's brother did not complete this. Instead her father (who is a funny bastard) did. He sent in a photo of his son, did not write a potential major and listed dancing as his only interest. Apparently, Bern's brother continues to get shit about this from his buddies even today. So funny. (For the record, correct me if I am wrong here, I put down philosophy as a potential major and interests as hiking and people. Yikes.)

I know this is not going to be any part of a grad school facebook but it is still annoying. I also think I am going to have countless conversations with people this fall about sort of boring stuff like what I like to do and what they like to do. Is this ever going to end? I wish the only thing that happened was the sharing of good stories. Maybe thats what friends are for and who wants to share a good story with an acquaintance.

Another story, my friend Jesse, who is super awkward but very good looking and always seems to lack a woman in his life, recently, picked up a girl at the med school library (who is now his girlfriend and they seem great) and asked her "What do you do for fun?" So awkward. I mean how do you answer that question without sounding stupid. "Uhh. Yeah. I like to watch movies and hang out with friends."

I don't know. I think I am going to write: chess (to sound smart), out-of-doors (because I do), and fun (because that is my ultimate goal.) I hope I get matched up with someone cool.

Faking It

One of the greatest lessons I learned while playing collegiate lacrosse for Holly Gutielus was that if you do not have confidence then fake it. If all of your preparation could not give you the confidence you need- fake it. No one will know.

I have taken this advice to most of my pursuits and it has always taken me the distance. I am blessed with a genuine sense of confidence and so when I fake it it is perceived as natural. In my current economic development work I am continually faking it. I am a critical thinker and can figure out most things but, common, the only ECON class I ever took was a 300-level one that I had to withdraw from.

I mean today I got online banking for the first time. I have been just sort of guessing with my check book. The lady who works next door asked, "And you are teaching high school economics once a week?" Yeah. I guess. So I sort of just use my common sense and confidence and when I do all of these tasks that make up my job. Like facilitating, teaching marketing skills, writing about why buying local is important... And it seems to work although sometimes I do get nervous.

I've been noticing recently that almost all of my friends are in this same boat where they feel like they are faking it. I do economic development in a rural area where stakes are not high. But my friends who are faking it are kids in law, medical, and phd school or have decent jobs. Just this morning I was talking to my freshman year roommate who's sister had just graduated from the mfa program at Columbia. Now she is a writer. That is her occupation. This kid (who is 29) feels like she has to fake being a writer. What. So here we all are, educated, future leaders in our great county and we are faking it. How can that be?

I think when people finally stop feeling like they are faking it, it means they have finally grown up. Maybe being an adult is feeling like you have enough skills and enough confidence in them that all of your work feels true. This sort of falls into line with the lameness of adulthood. (Lameness= being fiscally responsible, putting fun last, thinking constantly of the future...) In the teenage sense. Teenagers perceive adults as all-knowing and sure. But once out of the teen, college, and early post-college years you see that this is sort of bullshit. Adults, really, have no idea what is going on. (Ok. Maybe this is coming from me because I my family recently died. I don't know.)