Checking In

I remember talking to my therapist, in a conversation about living in Vermont and being underemployed, about checking in. I had just met someone who recently bought a condo and a dog but still had a pony and was actively fighting off the banality of adulthood. It seemed bizarre that this guy only wanted to be young and free (I was 25, he was 33) yet he was actively making choices that pushed him closer (a close that was unarguable and progressively more serious) to adulthood and further from early 20s/freedom/just outside of white middle-class values. It was surprising to me then and still now how much tension this man had with his choices- making them and hating them. The therapist called this checking in and said all people do it. And the ones that don't, well, it is clear.

This summer, age 28, part way into concurrent masters degrees- Maggie McConnell and I joked about her older brother and how in just 12 months finished a PhD, got married, bought house, had baby. We referenced it often and laughed about how totally insane it was to do all of those big deal things in such a short period of time. Maggie had just finished her PhD and could not be further from the last 3 items on the above list which made it funnier. And I had a dog and was partway through a masters program and felt far, far away as well.

Now, here I am 6 weeks from these conversations with Maggie and feel as though I have checked in. That I am an adult: one that is responsible, thinks of the future, accepts the situations that are less than ideal, is kind to all, smiles when I need to, wants to go to bed and wake up early, works out 4 days a week at 6am, blowdries hair, feeds dog, thinks of others...

Jesus.

And I sit here and do not know exactly what it is- could it be that I am taking on debt and that I will have to pay back a rate higher then $151.22/month? Could it be that I am in a serious relationship with an adult? I mean he has kids, owned a home, always thinks of others... Could it be that mba-school is serious and in turn I am serious? Could it be that all I think about is value- invent, maintain, grow? Or maybe that I am finally actually going to run a .5 marathon and last week I ran 10.5 miles and my food hurt for 3 days?

I don't know. All I know is that I feel different then I have before. And in many ways have checked in. And I guess what that means to me now, on a Saturday night, in bed reviewing for a marketing midterm, is that I am boring. Or more specifically, adventure free. Seriously, its true. Nothing. I don't even take my mountain bike out in town for quick rides or fly fish- I live like 3 miles from world-class fishing.

Not only have I stopped riding the snake. I have caged the snake.